[78-L] Found it!

[Malcolm]

Thanks, Julian.
I'll bet I even still have it around here somewhere (along with them 
Thai Slave Girls).
Looks like we're the last few left. Everyone else went over to Farcebook.
Merry ho-ho-ho,
Malcolm

*******

On 12/12/2015 2:26 PM, Julian Vein wrote:
> On 09/12/15 19:08, Malcolm Rockwell wrote:
>> A 1997 post by Malcolm:
>>
>>    > >Subject: How to sing the blues
>>    > >
>>    > >                           HOW TO SING THE BLUES
>>    > >                     (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
>>    > >                       with help from Uncle Plunky)
>>    > >
>>    > > 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
>>    > >
>>    > > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
>>    > >    stick something nasty in the next line.
>>    > >
>>    > >      I got a good woman--
>>    > >      with the meanest dog in town.
>>    > >
>>    > > 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
>>    > >    Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
>>    > >
>>    > >      Got a good woman
>>    > >      with the meanest dog in town.
>>    > >      He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
>>    > >      and he weighs about 500 pounds.
>>    > >
>>    > > 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
>>    > >
>>    > > 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
>>    > >   transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
>>    > >   plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
>>    > >   die.
>>    > >
>>    > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
>>    > >   adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
>>    > >   a man in Memphis.
>>    > >
>>    > > 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
>>    > >   Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
>>    > >   depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
>>    > >   best places to have the blues.
>>    > >
>>    > > 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
>>    > >         a. violet
>>    > >         b. beige
>>    > >         c. mauvre
>>    > >
>>    > > 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
>>    > >   lighting is wrong.
>>    > >
>>    > > 10. Good places for the Blues:
>>    > >      a. the highway
>>    > >      b. the jailhouse
>>    > >      c. the empty bed
>>    > >
>>    > >     Bad places:
>>    > >      a. Ashrams
>>    > >      b. Gallery openings
>>    > >      c. weekend in the Hamptons
>>    > >
>>    > > 11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
>>    > >     unless you happen to be an old black man.
>>    > >
>>    > > 12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?
>>    > >
>>    > >      Yes, if:
>>    > >      a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
>>    > >      b. you're blind
>>    > >      c. you shot a man in Memphis.
>>    > >      d. you can't be satisfied.
>>    > >
>>    > >      No, if:
>>    > >      a. you were once blind but now can see.
>>    > >      b. you're deaf
>>    > >      c. you have a trust fund.
>>    > >
>>    > >13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
>>    > >
>>    > >14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the
>>    > >    blues.
>>    > >    Other blues beverages are:
>>    > >      a. wine
>>    > >      b. Irish whiskey
>>    > >      c. muddy water
>>    > >
>>    > >     Blues beverages are NOT:
>>    > >      a. Any mixed drink
>>    > >      b. Any wine kosher for Passover
>>    > >      c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
>>    > >
>>    > >15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
>>    > >    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to
>>    > >    die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
>>    > >    treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you
>>    > >    die during a liposuction treatment.
>>    > >
>>    > >16. Some Blues names for Women
>>    > >        a. Sadie
>>    > >        b. Big Mama
>>    > >        c. Bessie
>>    > >
>>    > >17. Some Blues Names for Men
>>    > >      a. Joe
>>    > >      b. Willie
>>    > >      c. Little Willie
>>    > >      d. Lightning
>>    > >
>>    > >    Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
>>    > >    to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>>    > >
>>    > >17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
>>    > >
>>    > >     a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
>>    > >     b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
>>    > >        Kiwi)
>>    > >     c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>>    > >        Mix and Match
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>>
> It's a good idea to change the spelling of verbs ending "ing" to "in'".
> Change "this" to "dis". Double negatives are also acceptable.
>
>        Julian Vein
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