[78-L] fwd: from The Book of Jobbing (we haven't seen this one for a few years) ^

[David Lennick]

Excerpts from
The Book of Jobbing

Painstakingly translated from
ancient Sumerian by
Steve Hashimoto

VI. AND GOD CREATED SIDEMEN

And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for
suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none;

For in those days there were not many, and those that he could find
were already working;

Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house
gig at The Walls of Jericho.

And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach
and Abednago.

So Nebulon did return to the Lord and rent his clothing and saith,

Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!
And the Lord did say,

Shmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you call the Union?
And Nebulon did say,

Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low, and only one or
two could I find. What shall I do?
And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying,

Leave me to think on this!
And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on
Egypt.

And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over
the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen.

And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only
unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did
play the horn with the slide.

So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad
news, and filled with wrath he was.

How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a
dead oxen does with maggots!
And the Angels did say,

Lord, many left the business, many have become idiots, and some have
even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader.
So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the
answer came to him. And he called the angels together and said unto
them,

Do we not have a factory, that was of the Beasts Of The Field, Inc.,
a division? And is it not true that this factory no longer is used
to make that for which it was built?
And the angels answered him saying,

Yes, Lord. For You had ordered us to create golems, for which it was
found there was no great demand, and You were filled with a mighty
wrath and ordered us not forsake market surveys nor focus groups in
the future. And the operation was closed down with great wailing and
desolation for many jobs were lost.
And He said,

Come. Let us retool, and start turning out Sidemen.
And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the line of
assembly.

But a remnant of the golem program remained, and the Sidemen did
come out acting unpredictably.

Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their
breath, and some would not bathe.

Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and
some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga.

And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in
between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with
ruffles.

And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly
looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the
hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.

And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of
hemp.

And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where
their eyebrows should be.

And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette,
and mocked their Leaders.

And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the
Guests had dined.

And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the
Guests.

And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow.

And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills.

And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in
the Outlook on Life.

But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman;

One who followed orders without question;

One who showed up on time;

One who wore the Toga;

One whose chariot always ran;

One who Knew Tunes;

But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides
their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring,
and knew not how to Hang.

And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for
Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing
each other in the back.

And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said,

It will do.


More at:

http://www.lib.uchicago.edu/e/su/cja/hash.html