[78-L] How I Came to Listen to Classical Records

[Geoffrey Wheeler]

When I was a very young lad, a passing stranger took an interest in me, 
gave me a windup phonograph, a stack of classical and opera records, 
and paid me so much per disc to listen to the music. I preferred Henry 
Burr, but there was no money in that.  I carefully saved all my money 
and eventually bought a parrot. I named him “Glockenspiel” after the 
Glockenspiel Concerto. I soon discovered the parrot loved music and 
began to imitate what he heard. He became so skilled at singing arias 
in different languages and humming each part of entire scores of 
symphonies, I was able to sell him for a fabulous sum of money. He 
eventually went on tour and became Arthur Godfrey. Upon the advice of 
another passing stranger, I invested this sum in rare stamps and coins. 
Within a matter of days, I sold these at a significant profit. I then 
traveled to Europe. On the advice of William Randolph Hearst, I  bought 
my own classical orchestra and shipped it back to America. To keep my 
orchestra employed, I started a record label, which, in turn, spawned 
other record labels. I sold them everywhere, even on television. You 
may remember the “High on...” series—High on Bach, High on Verdi... 
Unfortunately, everything was returned. Broke, I had to disband the 
orchestra, bought a storage shed that miraculously came with milk 
crates, and that is how I became a record collector