[78-L] The 12 Days of Christmas Cutbacks ^

[David Lennick]

http://www.kraftmstr.com/christmas/humor/12days_cutbacks.html

The 12 Days of Christmas Cutbacks

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented 
in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

    1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced 
the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, 
providing considerable savings in maintenance;

    2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost 
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be 
condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

    3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the 
French;

    4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail 
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who 
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

    5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. 
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications 
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as 
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

    6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be 
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose 
per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will 
be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure 
management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

    7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. 
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The 
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing 
their outplacement;

    8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy 
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. 
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. 
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or 
a-mulching;

    9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be 
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

   10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the 
expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to 
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping 
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an 
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

   11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of 
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on 
new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the 
bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals 
and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching 
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, 
service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to 
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that 
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division 
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.