[78-L] Found it!

[Malcolm Rockwell]

A 1997 post by Malcolm:

 > >Subject: How to sing the blues
 > >
 > >                           HOW TO SING THE BLUES
 > >                     (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
 > >                       with help from Uncle Plunky)
 > >
 > > 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
 > >
 > > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
 > >    stick something nasty in the next line.
 > >
 > >      I got a good woman--
 > >      with the meanest dog in town.
 > >
 > > 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
 > >    Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
 > >
 > >      Got a good woman
 > >      with the meanest dog in town.
 > >      He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
 > >      and he weighs about 500 pounds.
 > >
 > > 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
 > >
 > > 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
 > >   transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
 > >   plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
 > >   die.
 > >
 > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
 > >   adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
 > >   a man in Memphis.
 > >
 > > 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
 > >   Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
 > >   depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
 > >   best places to have the blues.
 > >
 > > 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
 > >         a. violet
 > >         b. beige
 > >         c. mauvre
 > >
 > > 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
 > >   lighting is wrong.
 > >
 > > 10. Good places for the Blues:
 > >      a. the highway
 > >      b. the jailhouse
 > >      c. the empty bed
 > >
 > >     Bad places:
 > >      a. Ashrams
 > >      b. Gallery openings
 > >      c. weekend in the Hamptons
 > >
 > > 11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
 > >     unless you happen to be an old black man.
 > >
 > > 12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?
 > >
 > >      Yes, if:
 > >      a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
 > >      b. you're blind
 > >      c. you shot a man in Memphis.
 > >      d. you can't be satisfied.
 > >
 > >      No, if:
 > >      a. you were once blind but now can see.
 > >      b. you're deaf
 > >      c. you have a trust fund.
 > >
 > >13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
 > >
 > >14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the
 > >    blues.
 > >    Other blues beverages are:
 > >      a. wine
 > >      b. Irish whiskey
 > >      c. muddy water
 > >
 > >     Blues beverages are NOT:
 > >      a. Any mixed drink
 > >      b. Any wine kosher for Passover
 > >      c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
 > >
 > >15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
 > >    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to
 > >    die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
 > >    treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you
 > >    die during a liposuction treatment.
 > >
 > >16. Some Blues names for Women
 > >        a. Sadie
 > >        b. Big Mama
 > >        c. Bessie
 > >
 > >17. Some Blues Names for Men
 > >      a. Joe
 > >      b. Willie
 > >      c. Little Willie
 > >      d. Lightning
 > >
 > >    Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
 > >    to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
 > >
 > >17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
 > >
 > >     a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
 > >     b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
 > >        Kiwi)
 > >     c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
 > >        Mix and Match